The Essence
by GreenDragonWarrior
Summary: Warning: contains spoilers from Half Lost. Basically a direct follow-on from the end of the book Half Lost. I have decided to believe that this is what happens next. Because to leave it the way it finished... it's just too cruel! This is Nathan working out the truth of the Essence. Just a one-shot, I think. So yeah... enjoy!


I know I can access the Essence. I think I figured it out not long before she arrived, because I knew when she started building her cabin that I knew how. It wasn't time then.

Ledger was right. The Essence is in the earth, but it's also in anyone who can access it. It's in all of us, but more in the ones who can access it. It's in us, and the earth, and the key is connecting the two. I wonder if Ledger ever realised that fully. I wonder if he ever will. Because Ledger likes power. And that's all the Essence is. It's magic. Magic is power. I sometimes wonder if what he said to me when I visited him was his way of giving me clues, clues to work out how I can access the Essence. I think it maybe was.

He told me that everything is ephemeral. All is ephemeral, and nothing lasts. And then I thought I understood, but now I know that then I had no idea what he meant. I was so busy thinking about Soul, about killing Soul. I thought that was the answer. That if I got rid of Soul, and Jessica, and the Hunters, then me and Gabriel could live together. I close my eyes and think of Gabriel, when we were both at Ledger's house. Of when we were testing the amulet and he kept not being able to hurt me and just laughing and teasing me.

When I open my eyes it's dark, and has been for a long time. I transform into my animal form and we go hunting. The ache of where Gabriel should be is less when I'm with my animal form, but tonight, even my other self can't take it away.

I am back human again and I'm watching the sunrise and I know that tomorrow is my birthday. I will go and see her, I think. And a small part of my mind says, for the last time. I know I won't go and visit her again, after tomorrow. It is another three months until Arran and Adele will come to visit. I feel slightly bad that I won't see him again. But I know now that I can access the Essence. And I know that it is time to do what I've got to do.

But I'll go and see her first.

She looks up as I approach and smiles. Hers was never a beautiful smile, but I do a small smile back. We talk a bit about her pigs and her chickens and I say she should keep bees. And as we're talking I realise that I feel ok. I do a real smile, as well as a sarcastic one. And then when we have finished eating and she's made tea I see her give me a funny look, I don't think she sees that I've seen. And it's then that I realise that she thinks I don't know what day it is, so I say, 'It's the longest day today: my birthday,' and she agrees. And we talk a little more. It's quite companionable, just sitting and drinking tea. But then I suddenly think of Gabriel and I know it's time to go. Part of me is almost reluctant, but I walk away. It's time now, anyway.

Just before I leave I have a sudden impulse to say one last thing to her, something important. I turn back and tell her about what Ledger told me about the Essence. She just looks at me all serious and I know she's paying attention, but I don't think she'll ever access the Essence. But she listens to me anyway and I don't think she has any idea that I'm going to do it, that I'm going to access the Essence. It's in the earth and soon I will be a part of it. And all of a sudden I can feel my feet standing firmly on the earth and I can feel the Essence in me and for a moment I think I can hear Gabriel speaking to me. But then I realise that I'm still just outside her cabin.

As I turn and walk away slowly I think more about Gabriel. Just of everything that I love about him, which is everything about him. I walk slowly through the trees.

I am going to wait until the timing is perfect dark before I access the Essence. Because I've realised that what Ledger said about how everything is ephemeral, including us, is how I am going to access the Essence. And when I access the Essence, I will be able to connect to anyone else who has accessed it. And it will be as simple as that.

I make my way slowly through the forest, winding my way past the den and up beyond. Once I reach the top I look out and I can see the hills and the river. I am going to wait here, until it is exactly the right time. I pull my knees up to my chest as I wait, and I look out at the view and I think of everyone. All my friends, and all my enemies. I even think of Jessica. When I have thought of everyone I know it will be the right time. I'm not entirely sure where that certainty comes from.

I have closed my eyes, but I open them when I get to thinking about Edge. The view is beautiful, but as I look out over the trees and hear them sighing I just think about my son. Would he like it here? Annalise was never comfortable with the outdoors and the dirt the way I am. I hope that Edge doesn't inherit too much of that. I hope that he would like it here. I know it's almost time. But I think of my son for a moment longer, holding onto the peace of this place.

I look out over the view, and this is almost exactly what I drew for Edge when she said I should draw him a picture of me. But right now, there is something missing from this view. I feel an almost smile when I think about what it is.

And now I have thought of everyone I know. Everyone, that is, except Gabriel. But now I am thinking of him and I know for sure that it is time. I am going to access the Essence.

I stand up slowly. I look for one last time at the view, and as I do so I let out a breath, and with it I think, I am letting go of everything. Letting go of everyone. Because nothing lasts. All is ephemeral. Even me.

The Essence is in all of us. I know it is. But for one final moment I pause. I look around the world. And then I call on my animal form. And he comes, and we are one, and this time I feel myself transform, and so does he. And we can feel the Essence all around us. It is in the earth. And we are reaching down, down, deeper into the soil, because the Essence is there. But we are also reaching up into the air, stretching further and further, reaching for the sky because the Essence is there, too. It is all around us. We are a part of it. And it is a part of us.

Then suddenly, I can see it. I can see the power in everything and the world is blazing with the power of the Essence. Everything, the forest, the river, the sky, it is all blazing with this brilliant light, this power, and it is so bright I wonder how I never saw it before. And it connects the world, this brilliance. And in this sudden burst of light I can see the view, and it is complete, in all its blinding brightness. And I can move through it all so easily, because I am connected to all of it. All is ephemeral. That is when I realise that I have left my animal form behind. He is no longer a part of my body. Except that, I haven't really left any of him behind, because he is still connected to me, just as we are connected to everything.

But there is something I still have to do. And I am moving through it all, faster and faster, and I know if I had a body my heart would be thumping wildly I am so scared. So excited, exhilarated, so _alive_.

If I had solid legs I would be running. As it is I am moving faster than I ever could run and yet it still isn't fast enough. And then I am back, where Gabriel was buried, and I can feel the Essence all around me because it is part of me and I am part of it but where is he? I was so, so sure that he was a part of it. Horror clutches at me as I think that maybe I was wrong, maybe I have accessed the Essence but he didn't, I have come all this way and he is still not here, but then something make me turn around.

And then I see him.

He is sitting, against a tree, and he is looking at me. And everything is still blazing with all of the power of the Essence, and he is blazing too, but I can see him more clearly than ever. And he just looks at me for the longest time, and I look at him. And then he says, so very quietly that I can barely hear, "You've been gone a long time. Were you lost?"

And I whisper back, "Wounded, not lost."

I want to go to him, and connect to him like I am connected to everything else but I hesitate. I don't really understand why. He is still looking at me and his expression is so intense, but suddenly it changes and he asks me how come it took so long for me to figure out how to access the Essence? And then he grins and he is teasing me and saying how slow I was and how he had to wait for _ages_ and I cannot help but grin back. And in less than a moment the gap between us is non-existent and we are together, as one. We are connected by the Essence, which is blazing in both of us and I know that we won't ever be apart again. I am a part of Gabriel. He is a part of me. And all either of us can feel is utter joy. Because he was never really dead. He was just waiting all that time for me to access the Essence. And now I have.

Then suddenly we feel a surge of the Essence all around us and we are flying, far away, and we are twined together and the world is blazing and we are moving together through it all and we can feel the power of everything. I don't know how long we move like that, but it doesn't matter. All that matters is that I am with Gabriel. And I know that that is all that matters to him too.

After the longest time I realise that we are no longer flying through the world and that it has stopped blazing. The power is still there, but it's more subtle. And I realise then that I have a body again, and so does Gabriel. We are still twined together but now we are lying in a grassy clearing. My head is on his chest, above his heart. I could stay like that forever, with his arms wrapped around me and mine around him. But then, very softly, he murmurs, "Nathan," so I lift my head, and meet his gaze.

"Gabriel?" I murmur back, and then he kisses me. And I kiss him back, and we are still connected because we are both part of the Essence but we are connected much more than that. And we make love and Gabriel keeps kissing me like he never wants to stop. He falls asleep like that, in my arms, both of us pressed together, both of us clinging onto each other like we are afraid to ever let go. I wonder if we ever will, I think sleepily, because I can't imagine ever letting him go. The last thing I think is that if we both fall asleep, here, together, then I won't ever need to wake up again. Because I am complete.

We did wake up. After ages, maybe days, I dunno really. But it didn't matter. And when we woke we just held each other, for the longest time and we didn't need to do anything, not even talk. We were happy just to be together, with the sound of birds and the sun on our skin. And then after a while we got up, and we held onto each other as we began to explore. It's a beautiful place.

There's a river and trees and gentle hills. This is the place I've always dreamed of being.

This is the place I saw in my vision. But when I saw it in a vision I didn't realise that it was all part of the Essence. I didn't know that it was a part of us, and that it connected us. But it doesn't matter. None of it does. Because my vision was true. We're both here.

And I'm with Gabriel and he's with me.


End file.
